urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky that kit girl that kit girl 2009-03-19T22:27:10Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:288856 2009-03-19T22:26:54Z 2009-03-19T22:27:10Z Oaxaca is fantastic but I'm hungry and have run out of time and will write more later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:288666 2009-03-11T22:09:56Z 2009-03-11T22:10:52Z I'm leaving to Oaxaca Mexico for three months in less than a week. I don't know what I'm doing, I have no money and am completely unprepared in every way possible. Nonetheless it's imperative that I do this for my emotional well being. Though right now, I wonder, since the time leading up to the trip is really taking a toll on my stress levels.<br /><br />Last night was a terrible night. absolutely terrible. If I managed to alienate myself from even more people, it couldn't be better timing I guess. I was rereading my most recent entries which are ages old, and saw that I mentioned my three best friends s, k, and d. Funny, it took me a few minutes to remember who the hell they were. I guess I numbed myself and now I just don't make best friends. I don't get close to people anymore. Oh, I'm still an open book, and it's easy to get to know me, but I haven't made a close connection with anyone. They always break in the most dramatic of ways. Like a power line coming down in a windstorm. I'm the fucking windstorm. Sever that connection bitch. <br /><br />I'm resolved not to go out this next week and just buckle down on getting ready and packing and moving my shit and cleaning my cesspool of an apartment. My cat's going to hate me. He already does because I got rid of the bed and he has to sleep on the floor. Well, so do I cat, so do I. <br /><br />Anyway, if anyone ever reads this, wish me luck. Since I don't have good sense, I'm going to need luck.<br /><br />and a thousand bucks. <br /><br />love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:288465 2008-04-21T07:12:47Z 2008-04-21T07:13:39Z the wave pictures ok so i just made another pillow case skirt but it's not quite done and is much more complicated. I used THREE pillow cases. i think i'm going to hand baste the hem for now and make it eight inches shorter than it is. also, i've got to work on the draw string. but it's super spring happy. pink and orange and yellow flowers on some panels, blue and green flowers on other panels, and plain pink on the rest. besides it being loose and the draw string hole being all frayed because i forgot how to make button holes on the machine and i don't think we have the right foot anyway... it's glorious. i need to make a shirt to match. but it's sort of late. going back to corvallis tomorrow. i can finish everything there. <br /><br />oh oh.<br /><br />plum juice!<br /><br />web comics! no spare robot parts!<br /><br />love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:288171 2008-04-20T06:58:31Z 2008-04-20T06:59:59Z hayman, watkins, trout and lee i made an outfit out of pillow cases and wore it to the ani concert eugene. i had a couple of hours before leaving and all my clothes were filthy so... i didn't do laundry. i made an outfit. i still need to do laundry and that was wednesday.<br /><br />things are bearably dull right now. i've got a new female friend which is awesome because i'm overdosing on testosterone. that's a lie. most of my guy friends aren't exactly well endowed with that particular hormone. but still. it's nice to have a friend with a vagina. not that i'm making use of it.<br /><br />we went to portland last weekend and had a blast. went to a lesbian bar and sang karaoke. i managed to get a boy's phone number. which is weird, because there were only three of them there, one of whom came with our group and his girlfriend. but i made out with a cute girl named bridgette. i also acquired a pair of earrings that are somewhat ugly and i can't remember who gave them to me. some dyke. <br /><br />been reading a lot of charles de lint lately. i'm going to start my own pillow case clothing line. that only fits me because i really don't have the patience to deal with sizes. i also made earrings out of fishing lures that were free on a street corner in portland. i'm going to learn an instrument too so i can play with sarah. she just joined a band with two middle aged dudes and they're going to play in a coffee shop in eugene may second. be there or be a chair. i have no idea what coffee shop. <br /><br />this music rocks my socks. but to bed i must go. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:287977 2007-10-06T20:07:01Z 2007-10-06T20:07:15Z i'm at my father's this weekend because my grandmother is visiting from omaha. i miss my granddad. always related to him better. <br /><br />melissa (step-mom figure) told me last night that she thinks i'm hanging on the edge by my fingernails. somehow she even got me to mention kyle and what's happening in that arena but since even the mentioning brought me to the verge of tears, i said very little. i said i was fine. she laughed and said i was <i>almost</i> fine. <br /><br />my social life consists of work and bringing a book to the peacock, reading and drinking pbr until i see someone i know that i give a hoot enough about to talk to. <br /><br />something that's been going through my head lately: <br /><br />(<i>It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced<br />Are you thinking of me when you fuck her</i>)<br /><br />but, well, you oughta know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:287423 2007-04-18T23:45:22Z 2007-04-18T23:46:00Z goddamn! <br /><br />hey look, i'm posting. <br /><br />somehow i turned into a fifty's mom. i'm having a tupperware party on may 19th. oh yeah. tupperware. it's so sexy. <br /><br />going to watch belly dancing tonight at the deli. yes i pretty much live there. <br /><br />mostly, i'm doing excellently. skipped a few days of my pills and went kind of wocky for a day. (couldn't go to work, cried a lot while face down on the floor) but i'm back now to my bubbly peppy self. <br /><br />friend stuff is changing a lot, but i'm not letting it get me down. a lot of it is wonderful. i'm meeting so many new people and socializing so much. but i don't have as many close friends, i'm more of a social slut. i love everyone but i'm spreading that love thin. which is silly because i have SO MUCH LOVE. ok i'm a slut in more way than one.<br /><br />but that's ok.<br /><br />i miss kyle like crazy. but it's very hard for me to imagine being monogamous. even in the future, though ideally it is a goal i'd like to accomplish in the next ten years. settle down, push out a couple kids or adopt, be completely devoted to one loved one. just doesn't seem likely. maybe i'll be a swinger. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:286989 2007-03-05T10:08:55Z 2007-03-05T10:09:16Z i wish i had some oh so appropriate lyrics to post in return... but i don't. i'm not the type to battle with someone elses words. this isn't even my battle anymore. so i was drunk, so i had a fit of anger. do i regret it? yes. why? because i love kai, and it was at her party, and it wasn't respectful for me to make a scene there. but i'm still so full of anger... i've been thinking i'm going through the stages of grief, as if r were dead. and i'm in the anger stage. and since she's not dead, seeing her fleshed out my anger, gave me an avenue to channel it through. i'm not saying it was okay. but i'm also not saying that i don't wish i'd grabbed her by her hair and rubbed her face in the dirt. that her snot and blood and soil had run together. i'm not saying that i'm not one violent motherfucker. but yeah, it's not ok. anyway, no one got hurt. physically. whether she wants to believe the extent that she hurt me or not is her choice. revenge isn't exactly going to help me grow as a person though, is it. <br /><br />anyway, i have to let things go. it's in the past. the cunts that i treated badly and wonderfully, that i cried over and laughed with, the ones that kicked me to the curb, they're in the past. r and l have their own lives and though at the moment i hope they're miserable, i know in my heart of hearts, i hope that eventually they have wonderful lives. i mean, i have a wonderful life. so they should too. i have a boy that still loves me, inspite of me being "very unique" (let's translate that: unpredictable, short tempered, volatile), three wonderful best friends that i'm determined not to lose (here's to you k, s, and d.), fucking awesome parents, a decent minimum wage job, and a goal to live for. (here's to you, mexico). maybe she's right. maybe she didn't mean as much to me as i thought she did. maybe i'm too idealistic while ignoring the harmful. but i'd like to think that i'm conquering the harmful (in myself especially) and that being idealistic ain't such a bad thing.<br /><br />love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:286883 2007-02-23T23:03:04Z 2007-02-23T23:03:48Z i must walk home posthaste to clean my room for my mother's birthday/oscar party on sunday. i work all day tomorrow so alas, i will have no time to make the cake i promised. to use the bathroom in our duplex, one has to walk through my room, hence the cleaning. <br /><br />kyle is coming up tonight. haven't seen him for at least three weeks. we've been trying this open relationship thing but i don't think he's taking me dating other people very well. apparently he's hooked up with others but is reluctant to share details and i'm reluctant to ask for them. regardless, he claims not to have enojoyed it. i'm not sure if i should feel guilty for starting a life here in corvallis when we agreed that was best for us both. he needs his own life in eugene as well, social and otherwise. he's still my top priority; i will drop any and all plans to spend time with him. all but work that is, which prevents me from visiting eugene. but i'm not going to vagina monologues tonight so i can see him, and no, i don't consider that an act of martyrdom. i'm not that selfish and dumb. i genuinely do want to see him more than any other boy and even though i think he kind of understands that, it's still tough. i'm not sure if we're doing the right thing here. and no, that wasn't a plea for advice. really.<br /><br />working fifty hours this week. 's good, need the hours, etc. still don't miss school. but i do miss having other activities in my life. i think i'll take up ice skating. and i'll build a house. and make a movie. anyone want to fund me?<br /><br />love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:286503 2007-01-09T18:34:18Z 2007-01-09T18:34:45Z nothing to do at work at ten am for me so i came to the beanery and i drink soy chai and write this. i'll go back at eleven, leave at three, go back at four, leave at ten. it will be a glorious day.<br /><br />kyle went back to eugene sunday. won't see him for a couple of weeks. i think he'll do a lot better now that he's back at school. i've started going to the gym, since i do have a free membership because of work. thought it about time i take advantage of it. for those who know me, this is a shocking development in the life of kit. <br /><br />as soon as i get rid of my scabies and the scars fade a bit and i feel a little less worthless, i'll have rob take a set of me to send to suicide girls. i've been meaning to send one in for almost a year, and instead of wavering, my resolve has grown stronger. <br /><br />corvallis is becoming terrifyingly yuppie. shoetini's and karl maasdam photography have both opened across from the beanery and there are condos and space for other restaurants and stores being built, all on the riverfront. there are also at least three new trendy clothing stores on third street. <br /><br />saw babel. it was. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:286285 2006-12-19T11:21:34Z 2006-12-19T11:21:47Z daniel ran over my phone charger with his car.<br /><br />i think i have scabies. the only person i know who has had scabies got it in a new york prison. maybe i've been sleepwalking long distances. kyle woke up with swimmers ear. maybe we sleepswam to new york. <br /><br />i wanna sleepswim with you. fashion hammocks out of kelp. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:286206 2006-12-17T07:38:13Z 2006-12-17T07:39:46Z at the dad's. mannicotti, party, people, tired now. working too much but not enough. sophia got a job at the new morning bakery which is where i've been considering applying for extra hours, but though they're hiring now because it's the holidays, because it's the holidays i'm working lots and don't have the time for another job. i may be the only person who isn't taking any time off. besides poor jenna, who has been taking quite a bit of time off because she fell down the stairs at work and stayed two nights in the hospital. not too mention the fetus she's trying to abort. i just want to hug her all over. i mean, jenna's going through all of this shit, and of course because she can't work her financial situation is just getting worse and worse, and jessie comes in to work today wanting me or someone to trade her shifts so she can work day and go to a party tonight. dude, arrange things ahead of time; i don't care if you were in hawaii a fucking week, that's even better reason that you shouldn't get to go to a stupid party that you're trying to ruin people's plans over mere hours before. i love her, but she's very eighteen, and very spoiled. jenna would probably love her hours, but can't work until her work release papers are signed. <br /><br />work. it's all i think about. what about better more beautiful things? how about four eleven hour work days in a row? what could be more beautiful? I know. friends<br /><br />kyle. i love him. he loves me. it's not entirely enough so we're trying some sort of open relationship thing that could work or could end in disaster. he's in vegas for the week for some football bowl game. <br /><br />sophia. longest running friendship. nearly ten years.<br /><br />kai. my hot lover.<br /><br />leila. wait, who?<br /><br />daniel. i hate him, i adore him, i work with him. and i spend a little too much time with him.<br /><br />that's seriously as far as i want to go with that. if you were left out feel thankful for fucks sake. it's probably because i've never cried myself to sleep over you. or because i don't want you to know i have. <br /><br />cheers,<br /><br />kit urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:285898 2006-12-04T23:53:00Z 2006-12-04T23:53:40Z wait what more drastic changes in kit's life? is kit's hair short again? is kit single again? did kit start shaving her armpits? yes, yes, and no. so things aren't that different.<br /><br />had the shift from hell at work today. Going to mexico to work on farms with Sophia in January is sounding more and more tempting, but then I wouldn't be able to save as much up to go back and travel like I was planning on. And the two farms are only twenty minutes away so we wouldn't really be seeing much of the country. Plus, I'd have to look for a new job upon returning because I wouldn't be getting a lot of hours at the deli. But it's fucking tempting. I should just be patient, but patience has never been one of my virtues. <br /><br />relearned how to make paper cranes last night! and me mum cooked latkes and we ate a faaabulous dinner with daniel and annemarie and her boyfriend. so there.<br /><br />raise your hand if you're missing someone right now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:285624 2006-11-10T23:25:23Z 2006-11-10T23:25:48Z she said goodbye without actually saying goodbye and i let her. because i'm tired and it's easier that way. maybe time does heal all wounds; each passing day i miss her less. <br /><br />i let my hair mat again. my period is a week late but EPT tells me i'm still zygote/fetus-less. my whole body itches, especially my hands. <br /><br />planning on going for drinks today with caren, pretty redhead who works at new morning and buys beer at the deli. might watch Trafic with Daniel tonight. and tomorrow, Kyle should be coming to town. It might not be worth it, since I work 'til four and work all day Sunday as well. But seeing him is important. <br /><br />Drinking lemongrass mint tea. reading <i>extremely loud and incredibly close</i>. work was shit today. but life is not. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:285210 2006-11-03T06:50:58Z 2006-11-05T06:00:28Z Turned 22 yesterday. Saw running with scissors with jessie, daniel, kai, and rob. then danced and ate candy. it was lovely. saw batboy the musical last weekend in eugene and went to the halloween party at the campbell club. earlier that day i was in fred meyer and saw ruby looking at the shampoos. it scared the shit out of me. i mean, i honestly ducked my head and walked super fast to the checkout line. i'm such a wuss.<br /><br />going home and watching doctor who because i'm that awesome. saturday i'm going to eugene to eat dinner with my dad, melissa and kyle. and to have sex. because that is an important activity that I have been missing out on. <br /><br />Things are good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:285069 2006-10-09T17:35:42Z 2006-10-09T17:36:09Z I guess I'm going mushroom hunting and sailing today with my dad and melissa. And I hope to get back in time to have a night with kyle. I picked some of my scab last night, from my bike accident. it was a dumb idea, but i couldn't stop! i just had to get that scab off. until it wouldn't come off anymore and I could breathe a sigh of relief and say wheww, confounded by stubborn scab, thank you stubborn scab. <br /><br />Because really, it's already going to be one bitch of a scar.<br /><br />I think i'll go drink some darjeeling tea now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:284875 2006-10-06T20:15:01Z 2006-10-06T20:15:54Z i suppose i've abandoned livejournal recently. my life has taken such a turn in such a short amount of time, i've barely been able to process it, let alone on this dismal screen for all to see. <br /><br />I'm living in Corvallis and working at the Old world deli. I haven't been to Eugene since I moved my shit out of Sandra's. I miss... so much. (Reading your entries Devika, reminded me how important inspiration is and how it is possible to have it even in a college setting. You're just so bright and your entries are gripping, but I'm left with the sadness of just reading them, not experiencing them.) I think I miss the people I never really got to know more than anything. <br /><br />Dreams of Mexico and Guatemala keep me going. I make the mighty meaties and the open hearts and the nutty vegetarians and the meditarians and i take people's money and i pour them a beer and i smile and joke just to rush into the back and spend some quality time with the dishes, fighting off the tears. And I don't regret it. Because I wouldn't be happy in classrooms. I wouldn't be happy listening to professors, writing papers. No matter how much I wish I could succeed in school right now, it's not a possibility. But it will be in the future. I painted a picture the other night. And I stole a graphic novel from the library. I think i'll return it because there's something evil about stealing from the library. though i've done it before. I need to deal with the collection agencies that are after me. Except that they can't find me, so I have to seek them. How dreadful.<br /><br />Chiapas. Honduras. Guatemala. playas. chichen itza. life. Though the latter I'll focus on achieving in the moment, right now, before I reach my goals of travel. <br /><br />Now, anyone in Eugene reading this, I am going to try making it down there tomorrow night. I shall stay until Monday afternoon unless I can find a non-bus ride that can take me later. I will be staying in the campbell club with Kyle, but I won't be seeing him a whole lot, and i'm prepared to be social with others. and even enjoy it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:284428 2006-10-06T11:55:57Z 2006-10-06T19:58:38Z yesterday i crashed my bike on the way to work. once i was at work i felt really sick and cold, excused myself in the middle of taking an order, went to the bathroom and vomitted. Guess I was in shock. it's not too bad, just this gouge in my arm. tonight at work an elderly lady who i believe had some early stages of dementia, lost her husband and i had to take care of her. she was so sweet but i put us behind for closing and i'm afraid ted'll be pissed. eh. ted can be pissed. his good ol' friend who has come in for thirty years hated me today. crossed his arms and grumped at me and then told ted on me. ted was cool about it, but i still pouted. turdface in the plaid shirt. 70 years old and can't be more forgiving when a girl makes mistakes. <br /><br />i'm at kyle's, though kyle's in eugene. i close tomorrow, but don't have to be in until 5. tonight i not only had a customer tattle on me, i got the best tips i've gotten so far. they're jar tips, so they always suck but i don't care. they bought me a forty and then some. jenna's afraid i'll get addicted to ciggarettes. i'll blame it all on her oh oh. <br /><br />but not.<br /><br />sweet dreams like candy whistles and soda pop flutes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:284029 2006-07-27T12:12:28Z 2006-07-27T12:13:05Z had a terrible dream with M in it. I was visiting her or something... it was very odd. there were good parts I think she forgave me. But it was very emotional. I don't remember much. Made me miss her though.<br /><br />I'm really a bit of a sad sack these days. I don't want to talk about its too pathetic for words. <br /><br />I dream a lot. And in those dreams, I live. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:282278 2006-06-15T21:42:54Z 2006-06-15T21:42:54Z So I've started tackling my room though really I believe it's tackling me. Boy is it a bitch to clean. And it has to be perfect by tomorrow. I am such a loser and a half.<br /><br />And I just drank two cups of coffee so I won't sleep and I'll go and listen to Lila Downs and Beck and random musicals and organize the crap out of my posessions! that's right. Organize. Or something like it. <br /><br />Strawberries are amazing. I'm missing Mexico so bad. Tacos al pastor are amazing. I looked at a picture of michelle and leo that was on my floor and I almost started crying. They both live in Guadalajara, so I'll be sure to spend a couple of weeks there. God, I don't care if I have no money, I'm going. I have no other option. This isn't some choice I'm making, not anymore.<br /><br /><i>We don't live here anymore.</i> Jesus, that movie gets me. I'm moving out of this house, but not out of this town. I feel trapped by whiteness, blandness, loss of ideals. <br /><br />Inject me with leggos and my little ponys. tree houses and swing sets. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:281620 2006-06-11T22:28:04Z 2006-06-11T22:28:04Z I bought a bike Friday. It is beautiful. It is light blue and has skinny tires so it goes SO much faster than my other bike. It's gear shifters are on the frame, below the handlebars so that is taking some getting used to. I'm going to name it. <br /><br />Anyway, I love it so much that I crashed it the first day I bought it. Went out to drink With Sarah and company, and rode home by myself... don't really remember crashing. But it torked the handlebars out of wack. That was easily fixed though. I need to buy an alan wrench. Also, I bruised my legs really badly Monday night when borrowing a roomie's bike, and this crash just made my legs look... amazing. I wish I could describe them. They're so colorful.<br /><br />I really need to be more careful.<br /><br />I'm going to write my spanish paper. Just doing some research. It's lame. I'm lame. la la for lameness.<br /><br />So who is going to the country fair? I'll be spending two nights there on the weekend, since I'll have to work during the week, but Melissa is getting me in on her booth with a significant other pass. So yeah, I'd love to connect and spend some time with folks while there any time on Saturday or Sunday. She is so excited. She wants to go shopping with me so that I can get all decked out and look like a goofball. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:281356 2006-06-09T11:41:25Z 2006-06-09T11:42:55Z my goodness am I attractive in my icon. I dont understand all of these readings in spanish. even the english translations don't make sense. of course, they're online and fuck that times three. You know, Le juro que fue por amistad can suck my dick. Guido Eytel, suck my dick. I dont know if you're still alive, but I don't care. you don't write for 305 students. You write for the fluent. SO WHY AM I READING YOU? WHY WILL YOU BE ON MY TEST TOMORROW? <br /><br />Oh the emotional rollercoasters, the games mi escuela likes to play, mi novio, mis amigos, los extranjeros. because it's the extranjeros I love the best. play those games, oh please, don't stop.<br /><br />Oh. oh. oh.<br /><br />And I wish I were a brunette. And I wish I had brown eyes. And I wish I were a size six. And I wish I could read the entire Sandman series. And I wish I could afford so oh so many things. Please. Just let me afford the lack of morals, the spending of money, the fucking of who knows who.<br /><br />Maybe someday I'll be a stripper. Let me be that fit, let me have that much rhythm, let me stretch my legs that far apart. But you can only look, don't touch, no touching allowed.<br /><br />I think I'm on a roll of stupidity and I need to stop before my large intestine bleeds all over this godforsaken screen. Fuck you, computer. Fuck you, Eugene.<br /><br />Love KIT. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:281282 2006-06-05T08:46:48Z 2006-06-05T08:46:48Z i have decided to take the music world by storm. i will create a new genre, a rhythmless, toneless genre where the musician needs no musical talent, but it still sounds fucking awesome. i will make oodles of money.<br /><br />okay my roommate just came in as forlorn looking as forlorn gets, and i do believe i'll bring the computer up to her now and see if she will talk. she may just need to be alone. but she does want the computer, so.... yeah. and i should do some other homework too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:280928 2006-06-02T06:50:02Z 2006-06-02T06:50:02Z my hair has morphed into something rather odd. <br /><br />i'm really fucking depressed right now. i want to EAT. but there really isn't anything to eat. carrots? not exactly going to fill the void. i don't feel like being healthy goddamnit.<br /><br />so tomorrow i'm going to see midsummer with my dad, melissa (his partner), and kyle. we'll go out to eat first. and Saturday I'm going to see it with my mom and Leila (!) I'm super excited. <br /><br />so we have this mouse in our kitchen. and somehow it gets into the cupboards. and it ate some of my chocolate bar that hadn't been opened yet. i've seen the mouse twice, but i hadn't seen evidence of it yet, though katie has. katie freaked out when i put a dust pan on the table, so i'm not sure how she can be so calm about mouse turds and whatnot. it doesn't bother me much at all. i just hope it liked the chocolate. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:murky:280809 2006-05-31T02:51:16Z 2006-05-31T02:51:16Z weekend not so bad. doc increased my zoloft today. sunday night i mooded it up a bit. feel bad about that. but leila was wonderful to me. we stayed up until three talking about love and death. just bleached my hair. it's falling out now. <br /><br />goddamnit. there are so many scary things out there. and so many amazing things.